Talking To My Voices

I walked out of the house at midnight because that was what the Voices in My Head were demanding. That I should go on a night operation so that they could test me to my limit. It felt like a trap from the start. I reduced the number of keys down to 1. Theoretically I could have left it in the house, but that would instantly create a “homeless” problem and I didn’t want to go there. So I took my bedroom/front door key with me. I intended to hang on to it, but little did I know how foolish I was. After an hour of wandering around the streets of Exeter, I threw away my key, putting myself in the very homeless position I wanted to avoid.

I put up with this situation as best I could, but there was no denying my stress levels were high and I was cold. I elected not to do the proverbial “sleep under a bridge”. A fellow homeless man offered space in his tent but I felt altogether uncomfortable about that, preferring to keep walking while my legs would carry me. At 2 a.m. I saw a fox wandering past on the pavement in front of Renslade House. The fox seemed altogether more animated than I expected from a real one, plus the chances of that sort of encounter seemed very low, so I put it down as a Hallucination. Perhaps not so surprising given my current stress levels and low mood. I walked the rest of the night until 6 a.m,, at which point I found myself crossing the grounds of Exeter School on my way to A&E. I’d considered a trip there several times given the number of Ambulances I’d seen on the road.

When I got there, I took advantage of the warm atmosphere and just sat down, enjoying it for a bit. Then I sort of followed people around until I finally ended up at the entrance to A&E. I was highly Paranoid at this point, thinking that every encounter, every person, every vehicle, every sign was a message from the universe. This all stems back to the day I’d received the 202 label at Exeter St. Davids. I was being watched but I did not know who by.

In A&E, I had to create new details because my change of name threw them off the scent. Eventually I was asked to sit down in the Waiting Area, which I sort of did, wandering around still at opportune moments.

When I was called for triage, I spoke to the nurse and described my fox hallucination. They decided on balance that it was a real fox, but kept me in a cubicle for observation. After a few hours, they decided that on balance I was in need of help. I kept zoning out as a result of concentrating too much on the Voices in My Head and not enough on the Here-and-Now. Inevitably I was referred to Delderfield Ward at The Cedars. However, the next morning I was baited by leaving a piece of tissue roll outside the toilet. So when I came out, this triggered anger and rage and it took a number of nurses to pin me down. After a struggle, I was marshalled into isolation and then transferred to Nash Ward, Kewstoke, where I find myself now

I feel mixed this morning.

I acknowledge but I don’t trust my voices.

After all, my thoughts lead me to safety, theirs lead me astray.

Actually there’s no way of telling what’s my thought and what’s theirs in the absence of louder volume controls.

So it seems I’m stuck in a new conundrum.

I can just about make it out

What say you?

Do you want this?

Depends on what you mean by this.

It’s not the same as before.

I don’t feel continuous synchronicity.

Which really does it in for the whole effect.

Don’t know what to write.

Words not forthcoming.

There really is little of interest.

Why don’t I just go back to sleep?

I was well and truly caught. I was caught between 3 things:

– The physical evidence I had that people were following me

– The general sensation of Organised Stalking with synchronous experience

– Specific words or sensations that were seemingly sent my way.

I didn’t understand why people were following me. The words “Give Up” sprang into my head as if put there by a Voice. “Cool”. This was another favourite word of theirs. “Please”. “Shift that Man”. “Doh”. “Knock, knock, knock”. My experiences spill over into the here-and-now. “Touching”. “Slammed door”.

What to make of the voices? “They’re gorgeous”. They’re only not very present because I took a decision not to hear them. Plus I was on increased anti-psychotic medication so hopefully that was that.

It was simply too dangerous to go around with the view that Voices were Real. So instead I substituted Voices were Spirit which was altogether more believable. They were like a 3rd party, with access to my immediate thoughts and memory. But each had a character of their own. “Ridiculous”. Maybe. But you were the one who sold me a daft idea

So Ridiculous we are. If you’re going to burst that bubble, you’re going to need someone or something altogether more real.

It seems there is nothing Beyond Psychosis. Only confusion. Assembling a single incident that makes sense of all individual facts is seemingly impossible. Perhaps this is the intention – psychosis is intended to be so confusing you can never penetrate it. Lost in a hurricane of conflicting thoughts and beliefs. But then you ask the question “Why”. And it just doesn’t make sense.

Was the 202 label meant to lead here. Evidence → Psychosis. What about further communication? And why so sensitive? That conundrum still remains, even with the Spirit mind set. There is no satisfactory way of interpreting this …

Some degree of Organised Stalking is inevitable by belief. So the 2 answers to psychosis are:

1. Confusion … I can’t pick the best one, they’re both equally unsatisfying.

2. I don’t know …

Additional levels of information are seemingly withheld.

Paranoia – difficult to deal with. If I don’t believe in directed pain then I’m less likely to believe in directed conversation.

The Eternal Task. Writing about Psychosis. But look how much better my handwriting has become!

I feel OK.

But I don’t know what to think.

And I don’t know where to get thoughts from now that the voices have been closed down.

According to established logic Michael F.Bell was delusional. And I’m too, at least when paying attention to voices. There seems to be no way of bringing this to a head. Bashing heads together, as the phrase goes “Crap”. I don’t need the obsidian sloping mirror. And I’ve lost my ebay account with the selling history (old). I am old. I look old, apparently. Ancient? Like a Greek God? Or a Roman one perhaps? Zeus, Mars, Helios, Sol, take your pick. Time Lord? Space-and-Time Lord was a good poem, if a bit random. Animal. Bird. “Please”. You don’t like the bird connection do you? “Mark ” Yes Say what? “Your abuse” Has anything to do with the birds? “Yes”. Now I’m really lost then. As long as Heisenbery once he’s been told what speed he was doing. I was offered the God job in my imagination. Which is a step up from last time in Delderfield where everything had to be kept hush-hush “Evil” “Thank you”.

What comes beyond psychosis is thoughtfulness.

Or a subset of which is called Mindfulness.

Focussing on the present via the senses seems to be what Mindfulness is all about. Releasing it so you don’t have to go via the senses effectively decouples it from the Present so you’re free to visit the Past and the Future too. These are perfectly OK too so long as you don’t get stuck there. It seems I’m interacting with symbols from the environment around me. Again. Where does that lead? Astray most likely. “Awful”. Yes until I find some Voices I can Trust.

And I need to pause Relevant rather than Irrelevant information.

“A million a month”.

“Living in America”.

The only 2 pieces of information needed to send me into psychosis. The word “Abuse” occurs to me, possibly True, possibly False. A thought occurs to me and I’m inclined to regard it as True or False based on my other beliefs. So it doesn’t actually matter where the thought comes from. This relieves me of a great burden. We trust the thoughts and the order in which they arrive, wherever their origins and simply use a True/False filter. We needn’t be conscious of where we think the thoughts have come from.

I think of this as Mindful Psychosis.

OS

I recently read a book by Michael F.Bell called ” Implants”. Without believing the totality of what he was talking about, there were some aspects of his experience that resonated with me. As a rough guide he believed in:

Organised Stalking (Including Violence)

Directed Microwave Energy

Implants

V2K Technology → Directed Conversation

Chemicals.

Whereas in my case I merely believed in Organised Stalking with Directed Conversation (Without Violence). Nevertheless, there was enough of an overlap to make it interesting. In particular he confirmed my viewpoint that stalking is a Crime, that the people who carry it out are Perpetrators and the preson suffering the results is a Victim. It suited my mindset at the time to at least believe that much. OS is something I’d experienced since initial contact in November 2013, but it was only in recent weeks in May 2016 that I was starting to get frustrated and really angry with it.

There were 2 elements that really contributed to my psychosis at that time:

1. “A million a month” from a Directed Conversation

2. “Living in America” song played at Mace shop.

Given that they happened within a few minutes of each other they seemed synchronous enough to be part of a single event, namely a job offer. There was no notion of who, when or what the job was. Either way it wasn’t until I was in hospital suffering the after effects of psychosis that I finally decided the voices in my head and the original directed conversation were false. It simply wasn’t intended for me.

I spent some time talking with the psychologist about my problems. We agreed that I get let out into the community in a low mood, and that something happens as a recognisable event to put me into a high mood. Of course once there I’m much more likely to become manic or psychotic and that is where the problems really begin that are likely to send me back into hospital.

Name Calling God Awful, Shit, Crap, etc.

Verbal Abuse protocol

Normal Conversation

Directed Conversation

Threat of Verbal Abuse

Verbal Abuse

Threats of Violence

Physical Violence

Looking at the 202 label as some kind of fluke really starts to put things in their boxes. Maybe this is the help I really needed. It does leave a load of weird stuff though.

So what to make of a few psychotic remarks in odd situations?

It’s weird.

And it’s different.

Perhaps only the strongest remarks get past the drugs.

Feeling much better this evening after watching Italy vs. Spain. Food: Go Further. Nice. ? Another level of advertising. Nice town visit but presents in store.

Feeling lower/more tired again.

So here I am, sat in Room 5, Nash Ward, with the aftermath of my psychosis. It was propelled by both delusions and hallucinations at various stages. It started with my hallucination of the flash of light whilst thinking about physics topics. Then it continued with what seemed like a hallucination regarding the 202 label, except that I think it was real. Either way, a large delusional belief set built up around Organised Stalking at least it seems delusional when I look back at it now. In the most recent case, directed conversation “a million a month” and the radio playing “Living in America” in the Mace shop on the Quay were enough to trip me into psychosis. I have now put it all down as delusional, with the exception of the 202 label.

p.19

Perhaps I’m here because psychosis is more interesting. I have had to deal with the break from Sue as well.

I have received both Threats of Violence (e.g. cutting my ears off) and Death Threats from my voices. They try to sell it as though they’re just presenting “facts” but the truth is they can’t be trusted.

Revolving Door

The reality that I’m faced with on an ongoing basis is known as the “Revolving Door”. That was a term first coined by Dr. Barker in reference to the sheer number of admissions I’d had. The thing is that there’s very little I can do to avoid getting admitted. If thought, emotions, people and places conspire to get me admitted via A&E or the Crisis Team, there’s very little I can do. Conversely, there’s absolutely nothing I can do whilst inside, except display ideal patient behaviour for weeks or months. It’s not my fault that the system takes so long. Either way, we can look at the Revolving Door as a learning experience. Particularly if we associate mental hospital with a Military Training Camp.

In this case it would seem that the Revolving Door is a good thing, as long as both sides agree on the relative value of the experience (either positive or negative). If this is genuinely the case that the Revolving Door represents ongoing military training then we all agree that this Beyond Psychosis environment is of value to all concerned.

Aiming for the Neutral-Point

My problem with the Revolving Door appears to happen when I switch my belief system. In particular, if I start to believe in Organised Stalking then it’s only a matter of days or weeks before I get locked away in mental hospital.

Conversely, MH provides an environment where I can believe in everyday reality as a way out. It becomes more appealing when I realise that the other beliefs are partly to blame for me being in MH in the first place.

So to aim for somewhere in middle seems like the Holy Grail. I think of it as the Centre Point or Neutral Point where all the beliefs dovetail together to make a massive mania.

However, I have taken account of a daily mood variation, albeit limited by drugs. Nevertheless I imagine a solution where thoughts and emotions are relatively stable.

Fake or Spirit? Voices

At the end of my first psychosis, I made the decision that the voices in my head were False. This was based on the evidence that Anastasia’s voice and the person herself were 2 different things.

This time, I have held open the possibility that I’m a medium and the voices in my head represent Spirits. This is following a suggestion from the voices themselves. It is entirely logical that a portion of my brain can be inhabited by a different Personality or Spirit. Particularly since one of them was going on about “Wearing My Codpiece” which is an expression from the 1500-1600s.

I am hoping for a better outcome with this belief set:

Fake leads to a belief reversal at a later date

Resist mania takes hold

Spirit could be stable, somewhere in the middle ground.

p.100

3 pages of conversations with voices

OK, we’ll see where we get to With Voices = On

“Shit”.

So you don’t want to be On or you’re “Tired” of the conversation.

Interrupted by Tom.

“Mark”. Seriously”.

Warped, Weird, that load of “Wanker” shit?

“This is sounding like a Proposal” “Cool”.

“Now what, stupid?”

I guess I have to steer.

Mobile phone trilling”. “He he he”.

“You really have no clue “.

“Ace”.

“Sir”, voices outside are interrupting.

I bless the rains down in Africa

“Gay Lord”.

I don’t believe I’m Gay and I don’t believe I’m a Lord either.

“Dick Head”.

I’ll be Dead if I atomise that one. Still has Gay connotations.

“For “, that was Directed Conversation from Charlotte.

Brian, camera, farmer”, more DC from Robert.

Now Alby joins in and it’s altogether too loud.

“Yes”.

“What do you want?”

Difficult to filter out all DC.

It would be nice if Voices were associated “Born” with Something Real.

On the one hand, I don’t want threats of violence to become real. On the other hand a level of Face-to-Face conversation would be “Different”.

“Zeus, you’re glued ” to the spot, presumably.

“Haven’t been called that one in a while.

“Mark this is ridiculous” “We’ll chop off your head and use ?”

Well that wasn’t very nice. “Bastard”.

“You are God” repeated.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah” DC from Charlotte.

“Great” DC again.

Zone out.

“Good call”.

“Carrie Mathison” DC again, probably not accurate.

“What”.

“If, By, Whom”.

Sounds like an anagram of Boom. Shut Door. Directed Reality.

“Sir, we know”.

More DR with engine revving outside. OK, so I saw the ? dump truck reverse, stop and go forward. What was the point of that, or are you claiming that was DR too and is somehow connected with the Voices?

“Herald” DR.

“Wank”.

No thanks – Almost rhymes.

“Shit”.

Well there’s probably 2 things going on:

1. Lack of women

2. Side-effect from medication.

“Wow”. Why because I gave you some free information?

“Now you’re talking”. This is going nowhere.

Round and round in “Circles”.

“Fix It”.

Wondered how long it would take to get there.

“Seriously”. This is another loop.

Caught on camera. Ouch. Pain in right chest.

Q: So what did I mean by camera?

A: Whatever audio/visual devices you have in operation here.

Have I caught Remote Vision with that one?

“Yes. It was inevitable. Bastard”.

“Miserable. Mark you look “.

No problem for me.

This is great sport.

“Dead” “Cool”.

Deadly cool.

More pages of conversation with voices

This is less stressful than before. Because I’m going through the motions. “Fucking Hell”. Rather than Living the Experience. In other words, perhaps I’m, learning “Yawn” to Channel the Energy.

“Laughs”. “Seriously?”.

Well, “Door shut”, in some cases it feels like I’ve got Control. In other cases Directed Reality takes over and I get rapidly lost. It seems like the line is drawn in a different place, most likely because I have learned a Big Thing About my Trade.

“Jesus. Fucking Hell, Zeus. You’re gorgeous”.

Thank you very much “Git”. Now we’re back to the neutral point then. Git is neutral, neither offensive or defensive. American Football. “Wow”.

“Door closed. Dead end. No get off “.

OK so don’t “We’re here”, upset any Americans with my lack of knowledge regarding Football. I really don’t know very much. Watched maybe half a dozen games. “Cool”.

“Sir?” Call of Nature diversion. This is another type of Present Interruption to consider. What order do things have in priorities?

There was no such respect for Nature in the first round of Voice-Directed Training I received “Shot-Gun” in The Cedars, Delderfield War. “I was there” DC from Alby. “Really???”

I am aware that with a relatively small number of Interruptions going, this script rapidly becomes unreadable. “Snowing”.

“This is crap”.

Well how about you make an Interruption at some level so you have some Control in the conversation that unfolds?

“Silence”. “Since” DC from Alby.

Still no Interruption.

“Knocking sound, door closing probably. And again. Knock. Door Shut”. There are so many door closing sounds, it’s like trying to have a conversation through a howling gale.

Is this the problem? Pointless. Reality, or Directed Reality vs. Voices. “Thank you”. At least I’ve acknowledged the problem. But I’m told that you have fingers in both pies … Voices and Directed Reality. So you can control which one comes through in which order and with what sensible priority (0-3). Clearly louder → higher priority. Or maybe you don’t have that much control over Directed Reality and that is your problem?”.

“Cool” Feeling pain in left upper arm. So we’ve reached a major boundary with that one.

Fixed. Phew.

“Zeus you’re a Giant”. A NY Giant?

“Get up and walk ” // OK I’m back now. Feeling Call of Nature Again. How am I feeling? Is like a status report. Trousers too tight. My fault, I wanted them to fit well.

Not sure.

“Well don’t ask us”.

Why not? Because I’m supposed to be in control? Or because I’m supposed to have Free Will? That doesn’t prevent me from delegating though

“Bastards” DC.

This just passes the Free Will Baton to you for a while.

“For a while or forever”.

Well, Forever would imply Master/Slave gone wrong with you as Master and Me as Slave. You’ve effectively taken my Free Will from me. Whereas For a While implies I get it back. As someone with free will, I retain the ability to interrupt the flow and take control again at any point. This sounds a bit like IBM Token Ring vs. Ethernet. Each of us (including Voices) tries to dive in and take over. In reality, you get Simultaneous Talking “Superb” but in my head you have to resolve to one-at-a-time.

“Cool”. Nice sensation to my right chest.

Scratching hair. Dumper-truck outside. Waiting.

“Arsehole”.

So that’s one of your more tangible Directed Realities theory?

“Mark I love you!”

Well that’s one of the nicest things you can say to me. Whoever said that in a female voice, I’ll go with her.

Disturbing thoughts re The Cedars

And assuring thought re DVLA, at least they haven’t gone nuclear.

Top Gear are chasing me up with La Voiture Terrible :- )

Message to Ferrari. “Comments” DR.

No driving for 3+ months. Bummer. “Comments” DR.

Silence.

And I didn’t need a Buddhist gold chain and white lily.

“Cool”. There was some other “Fix It but I had to rewind to get it. Pain in upper left arm.

Fix What? This is always the daft thing with this response. If you don’t define What It Is then I’m left guessing.

“Moot”. Still quiet. “Perfect”. Engine Noise. “Mark “

“Yes” I reply.

Nothing. “You’re a Miracle Mark”.

“Fix It”.

“Every time you say Fix It he says Fix What, Dummy”.

“You’re a Genius”. Thank You. “Sweet. Cool”.

“Later. Later? Out of the court? Not enough petrol. Petrolhead. Wanker”.

“Now that’s a boundary I respect. Of Military Origin.

“Yes we know”.

But you don’t want me to broadcast this Reality.

“Lord”.

What’s the opposite of Lord?

Limpet.

Could go all the way to Amoeba if you want to.

“Right. This is our story. Clash of swords. Jesus”.

Henry: I like you well”. Thank you. Nice feeling in right chest.

Do you want this to go on? Yes why not.

My turn.

Don’t know what to say.

Open and shut case.

Jesus, is this my Diagnosis?

Getting distracted.

“We know”. This is perfect for us. You’re Gorgeous”.

Thanks for the compliments. I don’t know what to say in return.

“Oh”.

This really is a problem then. Phone a friend. WWTBAM. National Lottery.

Comments to my other birthday card from Paul about a monkey.

Heard whispers from 2 women outside, I looked and they were gone. Was that a miracle?

The thoughts on anal sex implying gay are troubling. Maybe I could just about stretch to a dick-with-a-dick, but it’s the female that attracts, not the male.

“The Only Way is Up, Baby”.

“Round, round, get around, I’m going Down. Down, down, down, down

2 songs to inspire 2 of the axes.

“Go West” is another one.

“Walk it”.

Am I?

“Cough” DR.

Still bothered by thoughts of possible events related to Violence at The Cedars. Hoping their level of complaint is similar to mine. It all seems like a dream now – the bits I can remember that is. It seems like I learned to do Directed Writing. Or whatever you want to call it.

“Fuck Off”.

Well how about Guided Writing then? There is a name for it well-known to the Spiritualist Church. This feels weird for me because I usually reject their view of the World. Yet here I am embracing it.

“Ridiculous”.

Yes, that sounds about how I feel.

“Prick”.

Can we drop that conversation please?

“Cool”.

Seemingly a smooth way out of a Military Boundary call.

So it seems the Voices in My Head (aka Spirits) are not so precious about the word Military.

“Creak” DR. Wow that was synchronous.

That all seems logical since I was looking for the Military.

“Shut up”.

To make boundary Real not just Make-Believe.

“Pull back”.

So it seems there is something going on.

“Awful”.

To the extent you don’t want me to comment.

“Atchoo”.

“?” Seriously?

“Cool”.

It seems like you’ve found your own way out of a Military Boundary Call too.

“Stay with it”.

“True”. And of course False.

“Get Out”. OK.

OK, not sure to ? in time or next time.

“Yes Sir”.

I’m not so sure of the clarity of voices in my head, ever since I asked the volume to be turned down. And/or since I’m on new medication. I got what I asked for. But now it’s taking a much longer Leap-Of-Faith to trust in Directed Reality as the source of parts of the conversation.

“Joke?”

Just calling it how it feels to me.

“Nasty”. How so?

It seems my links with reality are slowly starting to be tested.

Classic case was Andy when I thought he was Military.

“Awful”. “That’s Terrible”.

OK, don’t know if I’m allowed to recall his name or not.

“Fuck”.

Sounds like a gigantic Boundary Call coming up

The Only Way is Up, Baby, For You and Me Now.

“Love Really Hurts Without You, Baby”. Good response.

“Change the Author”.

Sounds like I’ve caught a dose of the plague. Or a swarm of insects. Either way I’m driving you nuts. Well that makes for a change.

“God”.

Acknowledged. If you don’t want me to Ask, as I would with any other word in the Military Protocol, then don’t send it.

“Good”.

Thank you. Realise this one makes you choke.

“Slamming door” DR.

Also reminds me of the Revolving Door with Mental Health Services and the tornado of personality types.

Hey presto, I find myself walking in what I call Military Mode. Highly present and open to all signals as potentially relevant.

*** This is where The Power of Now gets into trouble. Because all signals relevant goes to information overload without an easy way of prioritising. This will naturally catch one out. What is needed is a way of asymmetrically calling time on a signal investigation in order to return to the present, with appropriate levels of “Here-and-Now”. It seems I can’t win. The best I can do is revise settings, try again and hopefully get further this time.

“Amen”. Not sure if I made that one up.

“Sir”. No doubt with that one

Nice feelings in both side of chest.

And tea-time is called, breaking my gaze from my children. Then I seemed to be in Military Mode, much more present and aware.

“Awful”. Seems you came through.

“Sir”. Wasn’t expecting that thank you anyway.

“Revolving Door”. “God”. Could have been a closing door but the God comment caused me to upgrade.

Acknowledged.

“3 knocks”. For 3 children.

So do I write to my 3 children? Dear Harriet, Alex and Esther.

I’m being told to shut up.

“Knock, knock, knock.

Sounds Military to me.

I need more paper

Letter written.

“Toot”.

Paper sourced as part of that.

“Dude”.

Seriously cool. I need an envelope next.

Yawn. Feel like spending more time with my children.

Clearly I put their names on the letter and envelope.

Does it make any difference.

“Fuck”.

To you.

“Cunt”.

This is a privacy boundary loud and clear. However these are only private notes. I need to filter out names on any publishing process. Even emails from me to me are way less secure than this piece of paper.

So as a public/private test, I will write down the names of my children.

“Lord”. “Yeah alright”.

I get the impression you can cope easily either way. So they are:

Harriet Ridler

Alexander Ridler – normally shortened to Alex

Esther Ridler

Gone back into ape mode. I need the phone

“Hands Free”. Phone call executed. Got address of kids and my brother Paul:

Paul Ridler

40 Brunswick Street

Swansea

SA1 4JP.

“Give Up”. What? Trying to trace everything? There will always be more directions I want to pull in. More questions in need of answers. This is what I do.

“Careful”. “Seriously, Give Up”.

Well we seem to be in a better place for now.

So I will stop pulling in that particular direction. For now.

“Thank you”.

“Cough” DR.

I will comment that the subject of guns lies between me and my brother. And also got mixed up in those corny messages from my father. I feel better about that relationship somehow. Maybe a year or 2 out was the best plan. And it’s working:- )

Was thinking about Mirada, London and Madrid. Setting people free if that’s what I’ve done for GD etc.

Need another envelope.

Done. Letters to children and brother in the post. Stamps moved to prime location on desk.

There was a strong steer on correction after-the-fact.

Which is also part of http://www.gran.sim.com

I remember an incident at school.

Which is why the subject of woodwork goes so deep.

Stretch.

Don’t know what mode I’m in now. So focus again on:

– Children

– Stamps for more letters

– Lottery ticket

– Glasses for driving } Multiple messages about driving so more glasses.

– Red Ferrari }

Done. And stood in corner for a bit. Actually I’m not sure I’m in Military Mode so much as Voodoo Mode, but with some enhancements to the rules so it doesn’t take over as much.

“Awful”.

Drink tea.

“Stand up”.

Sitting down just to write logs.

“Ridiculous”.

OK, I’ll stand up then

“Whistle”.

“Please”.

Back at my desk after wandering around on the diagonal line.

“Awful” “Genius” “Shut it” “Sir”.

So mixed messages then.

Is enough to send me back to the True Picture, which is also associated with mixed messages. As it was my jumper was the electricity connection. So I tried taking it off half way.

And the message “Black or Not” came out courtesy of my KillStar T-Shirt I’d forgotten about.

Weird noises a bit like a Star-Trek door opening.

Stretch.

“Door knocking” DR.

Seems to steer back into the central zone. Represented by my pink Lotto ticket.

A 13 21 28 40 57 58

Millionaire Raffle Number

PINK 8103 6717

“Crap”

So this has dragged up some undesirable connotations. As always, Positive as well as Negative. Nice feeling in right chest.

The Monkey Puzzle.

“Still Farting” DR.

Placing lottery ticket at heart position on Giza T-shirt. Which coincides with the Moon.

“High Up in Nike”.

Suggests that Nike and KillStar are related.

“Beep. Door Opens”. And closes.

Reminds me of the Time Lord experience.

With mirrors and curtains.

Time Lords are narcissistic apparently and don’t want to get stuck staring in a mirror because it takes years off them.

“We can do it can’t we”.

Bang on. Please forgive pun

“Cool” “Pervert”.

I didn’t mean that kind of Bang but you can have one if you wish.

“You’ve farted”.

Excellent. Sounds like the end of a line.

“Bollocks”.

So there are plenty of other line-ending remarks.

“Who’s Farted” DR.

“Strip”.

Cool. Is this working better for you? It seems more balanced and in-control to me.

“Valuable”.

Definitely. Beep acknowledges that was your line not mine.

“Starting up engines”.

So we go live with this new version at least until it’s broken (again).

My door’s been closed for most of the day. But that’s OK.

“Jesus”. “Banging on floor above”. “Who orders it?” DR.

“Who Is It?” DR.

“Hello?” DR.

Door closes. DR.

Something about a meeting. DR

OK, but a lot of interventions in real time. Not easy to report on.

“Beautiful”.

Sounds like another end-of-line message.

“Horrible” DR.

“Twat”.

More end-of-line messages, all negative.

Wind hourly. DR??

Need to wash clothes and have bath tomorrow

“Bastard”.

“It’s alright” DC.

Losing the plot here

Am I missing half?

“Sorry” DC.

No help there then. Stuff happening all around.

Changed in and out of Bird Man mode.

“Bastard”.

It seems the T-shirts really are tribal.

Just the act of changing one causes alarm.

So Mountain Warehouse makes me feel closer to my children.

With less Military-Grade black random shit going on

I note my pen is black.

As is my jumper (mostly). Will need a wash too, soon.

I have 2 pens, I don’t know why. How long has it taken me to weed out that double message?

Something about “Engage” DR.

Takeaway being ordered. Pain in right abdomen. And left middle toe.

“Visibly well”.

That’s nice.

Talking with Alex. Why would they make me a Lord and not tell me? Flash of light to the left. Pain in top right tooth.

This is my Space.

And this is my Time.

Therefore this is my Space-Time.

“Crap”.

I’m sure you got there 3 sentences before me.

Well actually it seems that Time happens whatever. You can slow it down or speed it up with drugs. But it always seems to be positive? For my money, real time-travel would have to be drug-related. Not sure I want to go down that one. A bit like “Backwards” the Red Dwarf title.

Where did that draft come from? DR.

That will do on the Time Lord topic. For now.

“Dead”.

Yes that’s pretty final, end-of-line, negative.

Alive is end-of-line, positive.

Toxic mushrooms pointed out by Alby.

He really does give off mixed messages.

But then I guess I do too.

Better get clean as best I can after picking the mushroom.

I did dispose of it wisely though.

Don’t want to take anything like that kind of chance.

“Bored”.

Tough luck.

Door closes: DR.

This is my space. Sneeze coming.

“Awful”. Negative.

“Atchoo”. Neutral, maybe slightly negative.

“Ace”. Positive.

“Sick”. Negative.

Do I feel sick? Answer: No.

Pain arises in right side limp.

I do feel a bit weird.

“Dead”. Negative.

Is the toxic mushroom really that toxic? It’s like a mini Black Hole.

“Puke”. Negative.

There seem to be some wild placebo effects whatever.

“Cool”. Positive.

Just swapped Tea for Coffee courtesy of Shawn.

Don’t have spelling on his name, sorry.

So the toxic mushroom and the lottery ticket go together.

– Toxic Mushroom, Large, Negative.

– Lotto Ticket, Large, Positive (well, more likely Zero but hey, ho).

Ask Mum about borrowing a thousand. Would put my account in the positive (with no change to savings) until end August.

Feel much better now.

“If it works for me”.

Maybe that was my line and not yours?

“Zoom”. Positive.

Seems like a balanced trade.

So my lot is to do:

– Automatic Writing

– Voodoo

– Wandering About

– Repeat

It does seem to be quite progressive. And therapeutic. And kills a lot of time which seems like a nice thing.

“Enough to get a production line started” DR.

Actually seems quite Random that one.

I’ve had 4 children and had the snip, so no more children for me.

And I’m actually awake at 9 p.m. Result.

“Acknowledge”. Acknowledge.

Waiting on medication

Stretch leg, back hurts lower left.

“Quack”. Negative.

Well it was a chiropractor who taught me that stretch.

Sleep glorious sleep.

Time Travel – How To Do It

I wake with the conviction that time travel is possible and I know how to do it.

“Awful. Closed door”. Acknowledged. Multiple routes back to Reality.

“Bored”. Already?

“Fix It”. Your entertainment is not my responsibility.

“Wanker”. Negative.

“Cool”. Positive

“Magic”. Yes it feels like that.

The key to Time Travel is building models.

You can either:

. Build a mini universe in your mind

. Build a real mini-world (e.g. a model railway)

Then you go about your business, improving your model. Eventually you will get to a point where the next step is to enter your mini model. In the psychological case, you can “do it” anywhere and in fact the location can unfold as you go along, interacting with the real world where necessary. Clearly you need to avoid brick walls in the old universe – these can all be dull and grey. Hang around if you want something new to appear and then hope others will join you to make it a reality. For real mini-worlds, the best solution is probably to sit next to it and then enter it via your mind. A mobile phone remote app might be useful here.

“Lethal”. Wow. Positive.

You want to keep me out of Military Technology.

That’s because Military Technology is following me. You want to avoid us chasing each others’ tails.

“Ring, Ring”. Reminds me of the Escher 2-hands drawing.

“Mark”. Positive.

“Cool”. Neutral.

“Fix It”. Cool. Mildly positive.

“Ace”. Positive.

Out of paper

Rob sold me on the idea that my blueish Mountain Warehouse T-Shirt is a nuke. Reminds me of a suicide bomber. I have been told I’m a walking information bomb. Is that what we all become? As this thing unfolds

Scratch itchy right ear with left hand.

“Oh Mark”. Level of detail not required.

“Burp”. Neutral.

“Cool”. Positive.

“American Werewolf in London”.

“Awful”. Puts Rob on the same footing as You.

“Talking”. Positive.

“Fishing”. Get Out. Or the other way around.

Saw a blue light in the direction of the chair.

Need to relaunch http://www.healthy-service.org

“Sound of bomb going off”. Will send a load of Suicide Bombers my way.

“Fist of the North Star”. Manga comic.

“Peter Pan”. Forever Young.

“Cool”. Positive.

“Please”. Neutral.

“Stop”. OK.

“Woooooooo!” Spooky.

“Let Me In”. Granted.

“Sir”. Let Me Out?

“Fun”. Awesome.

“Fix It”. Positive.

“Cool”. Neutral.

“Do you want this job?”

“Ace”. Awesome.

“Gritty”. Neutral.

“Careful”. Mildly negative?

Flash of blue light to the left.

“Ridiculous”. I agree.

“Fix It”. OK then you too.

“Awesome”. Positive.

“Better”. Very Positive.

“Hold”. OK.

“Chin up”. Yes, that is the point of stretching for me.

“Tell Us”. “That desperate for a smoke”.

“Jesus”. Or Genius. Can’t tell. Too much reality for this to be really directed.

“You’re going out through the front door, Mark. You don’t need to escape.” Acknowledge.

“Door shut”. Deal.

“Asshole”. Negative.

“Gorgeous”. Positive.

Sounds balanced to me.

“Blowing Air”. Neutral.

Bored”. Major universal crossing point. Worm-Hole.

“Door shut”. Negative, mildly.

“Door shut”. Acknowledge.

Yawn. “I’ll put you down for it”.

Yikes. “It’s quarter to 7”.

Yawn. Probably seems “Bored” to You.

Accidentally touched left eye with “poisoned” left index finger.

Stung for a while then recovered.

Go see Sunrise above Church in Kewstoke.

Done.

“More like a needle”. Acknowledge.

Reality turned up quite high now reducing.

“Phew”. Neutral.

“Hang on a sec”. OK.

“Awful”. Negative. Very strange really.

“Playing Games?” No.

“Door Shut”. Unless this whole thing is a game.

“Door Open”. Not so frequent.

Am going to ignore Door Open and Door Close. Too much Reality and not enough Fantasy. Hope to bring on Something Else more Real. In my universe.

“Violent”. Dispensed with in Green Bin.

“Escape”. My time and not yours.

When moving from 1 universe to another, try to change just one law of physics at a time.

Got up at 5.30 a.m. this morning instead of 8.30 a.m.

Already done this regimen once this time around.

Sounds like 2 big steps for the price of 1.

Feet and Eyes. “Testing”.

“Fix It”. Notice some more then.

“Shocking”. Notice less then

For Your Eyes Only. “Acknowledge”.

“Git”. Testing.

“Cool”. Positive.

“Wanker”. Sir. Or the other way around.

The word transgressive pops up a lot.

“Serial Prowler”. Thank you.

“War Sir?” No. Unless you want one

“Thank you”. Acknowledge.

/ Small Sleep / Breakfast / Medication / Orange

Feel in a way different frame of mind.

Much lower mood now. More sceptical.

“Shit”. All seems like it’s over.

“Gamble”. Feeling lucky?

“Pillock”. Asshole.

“Girls”. Can be nice.

“Jesus”. “Zeus”. “Lord”. Acknowledge.

“Oh dear”. Jesus. Zeus. Lord.

“Dog training”. Headache.

“Really?” Seriously. Whole top half.

“Kill”. Not me I hope!

“Murder”. Yes it would be.

“Halt”. OK

Words of rapid-fire messages drawing back. “Shot”.

Motivation comes from the fact that I really do hear voices.

“Cool”. Acknowledge. Thank you.

Mini discussion with Barack Obama.

So here I am waiting for automatic writing.

And it isn’t happening.

“Fuck”. That’s a strong message from you, Sir.

“Yes it is, Mark”. Blimey – actually that’s your line.

“Awful”. Nor sure how to spell that one.

“Oh”. Indeed.

Otherwise Awesome and Awful become too similar.

“What do you really want, Mark?” I want to be part of Something. Where there are opportunities for me to make some money, possibly from book sales. Currently that is the only business plan I can commence on, based on something Real (i.e. a book). I’m working on book 3 now

“I know you are, Mark”. And do you have an opinion, Sir? I’m not fishing for compliments, but there are some boundaries in there. Previously I offered to keep book 3 on hold and give you the power to take the other 2 off the market. That wasn’t something I was prepared to do, as it turned out. Equally, you did nothing that could be traceable as an action by you. So I get the impression giving you that level of editorial power is either too much in the circumstances or more than you required. Am I correct, Sir?

“You had plenty of options”. Accepted.

“The reason you have indecision turned up too high is because you are too Open and Accepting”. Agreed.

Is that all there is to the technology then? This is giving me a massive steer towards naturally occurring brain function, away from man-made technology

“Please ” Was that Please Yes or Please No?

“Jeepers”. OK I leave it open then. Once more.

“Everything he wants the answer to”.

“Lost”. Sounds like I need to believe in V2K or Not.

Actually I’m coming to the view that I don’t believe in V2K. But I believe the overall effect can be achieved by other means.

“Wanker”. That’s another strong response from you, Sir.

“Cool”. Positive.

So I will remain in charge of my books and my websites.

“What do you hope to achieve?”

“That others might learn from my books rather than going the hard way round as I did. That I make some money from it to supplement my retirement income in 21 years time.

“Jesus. Well you’re wasting your time with that one”.

If so, does that mean the whole of psychosis is a waste of time?

“Thank you”. Why did you need to hear that from me?

“Come On”.

“Fuck Off”. OK then

So I’m better off reading a book then”. “Yes”.

A book of hope? “Nice one”.

Like the one I’m trying to write? “Yes”.

Wasn’t expecting you to be drawn on that one. Thank you.

So in short. I can rely on psychotic feedback to write a story but I can rely on you to make editorial decisions.

“Mark”. Sounds like I’ve cornered you with this one. Of course I will never have proof. You’re too good for that. I will carry on. Writing is the way forward for me. I have nothing else at the present time. Unless you’re saying that the likes of Andy really were planted by you? And what about the double encounter with 3 nurses this morning? Was that you too? All of a sudden I can hear better and I have an opportunity to go back outside

That’s a major decision to cut the voices out of editorial decisions. When in fact they were already out because of their very nature. Does this mean I’ve come full circle?

“Depends”. On whether Anything Else is at stake?

“I’m an illusionist”. Producing Automatic Writing.

“This is painful”.

“Shit”. Ok so I’m right about the AW effect?

“Zoom. Bark”. Positive.

“People”. Personally I think I’m holding my own with that one.

“Cool”. No doubt you have your own opinion.

“It’s what you think that matters”. Thank you. All of you.

So I’m not on a direct line to Barack Obama then.

“Sir”. Yes

“Cool”. Gazing at light show on ceiling.

“We’ve caught you on a Direct Line to yourself”. Ouch. Pain right side.

But I can still have the Spirit of Barack just like the Spirit of Star. Am I onto something here? She really was a MH patient though. No faking that.

“Beam me up”. Wrong model? I don’t think so.

So now the wrist band cements Star and Barack, both people of colour, but I don’t need to wear it any more. It can be placed in the middle of the random numbers.

Interesting that I had to do the Spirit Diagnosis twice before it really sank in. The first based on evidence. The 2nd based on lack of evidence.

I think I can say with 99.9% confidence that the Spirit Diagnosis is correct. It would have to be contrived to make it look that way otherwise. I don’t know how you ascribe a percentage to that so I’m guessing at 1 in 1000. Funnily enough it was the voices themselves that supplied the word “Medium” which I translated as meaning with “Spirit”.

Extra continuation sheets

p.-1

It seems inconsistent to believe in V2K technology at the same time as going with the Spiritual Belief option. According to be latest result, Spirits are in, V2K is out and the whole organised stalking seems less likely. And the alternative 202 label thing seems like I can let it be. So does this mean I’m completely healthy again? I do still hear the odd voice.

“You’re walking”. That’s because I gave up running. Too much stress. Thanks for your contribution on that point. And now I’ve just been walking. Round and round. Only 1 lot of unescorted grounds leave per day.

Perhaps it would be different if I had more recent physical evidence than the 202 label. But I don’t. So it seems it hasn’t lasted the Test of Time.

“Zeus”. Yes. Interesting you prefer that to Mark. Seeing as you’re just a Spirit in my Head anyway.

“Order”. So not so popular any more.

“Ouch”. Too Bad.

“Crap”. I’m not wanting a Directed Conversation at this point in time.

It seems I don’t have any further use for you right now.

– – – – – End of Conversation – – – – –

So now to pick a subject and write as if I’m doing the same style as the Kewstoke and Battle of Wills chapters.

U S A Send to Mum

p.0

Organised Stalking

7. Installation of Implant (Directed Microwaves)

6. Organised Violence etc.

5. Threat of Violence

4. Verbal abuse

3. Directed Conversation

2. Directed Reality (Street Theatre etc.)

1. Use of Implant (V2K, Thought Machine, Telekinesis, Remote Viewing etc.) [belongs at the top]

I have experienced each of the above apart from levels 6. and 7. and arguably level 1. My experience has been consistent with level 1 but I can’t say I have any direct evidence. So psychosis is just being in the goldfish bowl looking out.

Have a little mini section explaining each level.

Desirability

You have succeeded in being desirable.

“Awkward”. Yes because I can deny your existence too.

That is what you want correct ??????

So now it seems you’ve proposed to deliver further desirable experiences, both physical (e.g. people in a corridor) and mental (courtesy of the conversations within my head, be they naturally occurring or technological in origin).

We had an interesting chat.

I don’t remember all of it and I’m running out of paper.

p.1

We discussed the Michael F.Bell model of what’s going on.

We discussed the seeming drop-off in my sexuality.

Aside: I keep being put in situations where gay is the question but I will keep rejecting that as an answer for me.

We talked about the “My Little World” experience.

Aside: Which was nice because when I got back to the Cricklepit Bridge there was someone to greet me, just like there was the man with a bicycle to greet me at the gate. I can’t remember if that was the same walk where I got the “Million a month” and “Living In America” messages but they would be the 4 most significant messages.

We’ve just had another chat. Which I sub-vocalised or directed thoughtwise as you having delivered a bit of content to me.

I picked up my pen and a man or woman walked to the end door opposite my room door. That could be classed as physical evidence. But it’s desirable.

The experiment I just took part in also had a piece of physical evidence. But it was desirable for 2 reasons.

1. It didn’t appear to have my room number

2. I’m half way through a cigarette butt and I’ve found Derren Brown. Whose name was most closely associated with It.

3. It seemed to disappear when I threw it in the bin.

There are a number of possible explanations here.

“Give Up”. Is this a trade?

“Terrible”. Implies you want me to carry on.

Actually it seems this could be read either way.

I’ve lost the plot a bit here.

“The plot thickens”. Any which way.

Reminds me of the lightning conductor at the end of Gandy Street.

Maybe a dissolving padlock would solve my problems?

Are all of the bits of physical evidence sensory hallucinations??

Or do they just disappear if enough people want it???

Sue always said that thought creates reality.

“Fix It”. I don’t know how to, assuming that It represents the relationship between Sue and me. It would probably help if I started to live in a more desirable universe. It seems that Sue and I have come through from the other side. Maybe some of our children did too? I would have to speculate on DNA to properly answer that one. Assuming we have 5 children between us then that makes 5, unless genetic makeup is important.

I don’t need to go any further.

I note the emergence of sensation in my left ear.

And now it seems to be gone.

“Grow Up”. Looked at Esther. Delegated to Alex and Harriet. Youngest first.

Esther was on my mind because if you ask me the question

— “Ridiculous”. Another intervention. —

which child looks the most like me then curly hair wins.

Any other judgement gets me into cloudy situations.

“Fix It”. Actually I’ve missed an Awful signal.

“Awful”. So we’re back with It again. This is a hard problem to solve. Dad takes on his shoulders the responsibility to make It better for his children wherever he can. Dad does not know what he can know. Truths and Stories.

Felt like a tap to the head. Emerged in right cheek.

“Course”. Don’t remember that one.

My natural inclination is to sell the car

If I had to pick one condition that I was forced to live with it would be sexual dysfunction. On the basis that I’m probably going to be on my own anyway.

Obviously I would prefer to get out alive. Edited out the “and Resting” clause.

“Atchoo”. Market?

Go with It. Go with The Flow. It = The Flow.

“Awful”. Acknowledge.

“This is huge, this is massive.” We’re back with Physics then I see myself as composed of tangled knots that tend to be wired one way round.

Sensation in left fingers.

And if all the knots can be untied at once then I disappear. At least that’s my expectation.

Sensation in right lateral. You’ve seen me coming.

“Zeus, you’re Lord”. Lord Zeus then. Sounds weird.

Playing with words, “God Zeus” sounds better and more accurate.

“Moose” yeah that was kind of amusing at the time. I was Zeus for longer than I was Moose. And the same thing for Mark. Sensation in right ear, not so bad now.

There is a boundary:

Naturally Technology

Occurring Driven

Running right through the thoughtful relationships with my children, Barak Obama and Star.

“Dead”. Acknowledge. I seem to have got away without Death.

“Awful”. We’re talking a military boundary with my father.

And why wouldn’t I accept a gift from Ann and Roger?

To Do:

1. Phone Mum about selling Land Rover and contacting Dad.

2. Town leave tomorrow – pay in cheques.

I hear this is polluting the waters. I don’t see why, particularly. Unless you’re talking about ongoing logging.

I am going to assert this is important for my health.

“Biggles”. We’re going somewhere.

“Laughter”. Maybe not that far then.

“You’re fat”. I’m not the only middle aged man with that one.

Trying to bait me.

Endless Jackson Five. Can only remember Michael and Janet.

“Sod off”. Alright then. Neutral.

Sounds like I need to follow some celebrities.

I was following Mark Zuckerberg before I closed that FB account.

Is it useful to you that I got rid of that info?

Or was it just one more thing to keep track of?

Either way it seems like an issue in the relationship between me and MZ.

I’ve watched a lot of Top Gear if that helps.

Bill Gates is the Great Man. And Steve Jobs was a Great Man. Larry Page is also a Great Man. 2nd man TBR.

“Cunt”. Ooh. Large boundary here. Military springs to mind.

Jimmy Wales is a Great Man too. I need to find some more.

“I’m getting a press”. Reminds me of hopes buried long ago.

“Crap. You sent me reporters. I didn’t know what to say.

And I still need to remember Tyrion from Game of Thrones.

And all the other actors and actresses.

Like Tatiana Masling from Orphan Black.

“This is fucking shit”. Whatever list of names I remember is going to be “Wrong” for whatever reason.

How about a trip to London then? I could visit the theatre for example. Paid for with Land Rover money. In return I get a more loud arrangement. On the basis that the Hippy comment didn’t have the expected effect. Just fathoming relationships here. Local or global makes no difference to me, I assume. I imagine that whatever happens will be local to start with. Followed by a trip to London. Then maybe Washington DC. How about Hawaii (astronomy) and Giza (astrology).

“Sir”. Sounds critical we get this right. I will have to consult with my bank manager to make sure I can afford the trips.

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