If you believe in messages from the Universe and that everything is a message intended for you, then you are by definition Paranoid. However, this is a particular form of Paranoia called Organized Stalking (OS). In effect you believe that large numbers of people, cars etc. are following you for the express purpose of delivering a message. There are a range of verbal messages, according to the following Protocol:
- Level 1 Violence
- Level 2 Threats of Violence
- Level 3 Verbal Abuse
- Level 4 Directed Conversation
- Level 5 Normal Conversation
Actual violence, including torture, is the lowest level of the protocol. I have not experienced that in a one-on-one environment but I have experienced Directed Pain which gives a point-like pain in specific parts of the body.
The main message from the above list is the distinction between Reality and Fantasy. This is not necessary for Normal people who experience only Reality. But for Psychosis sufferers there are equivalents for most of the communications, yet in their head only. These may be seen as:
- Technology-induced, depending on beliefs.
Implementation of Voices
As a Psychosis sufferer who hears voices, you have a basic choice of Belief: Technology-Driven or Spirit-Based
Note – some have specific names such as V2K (Voice To Skull) technology.
Then on top of that you have:
- Belief in whether the voices are True or False
- Sound level at which you wish to perceive them.
The decision to turn around these Beliefs is the turning point for Psychosis. Whether you will re-enter Psychosis in the future is determined by whether some of the other beliefs surface. For example, if you really do experience Organised Stalking, “Hello”, “Backup”, “This is the answer”, “Who’s running”, “Tea Time”, then you are much more likely to experience another change of those fundamental beliefs, albeit with a new overall belief set.
Threat of Violence Trap
One thing your views may do is to threaten if you “move any” from the order. Take Leap of Faith.
For me, the point at which a sufferer can said to be Beyond Psychosis is when the outside level of the Voices in the Head turns down to zero. I tend to think of the volume levels in the following way:
3 Brand new Psychosis sufferer, voices extremely loud
2 Experienced Psychosis sufferer, loud and distinct
1 Voices equated to turned down but not off, some words
0 Completely off, no sounds, no intense voices
In my experience, Levels 2 and 3 qualify as suffering from Psychosis whereas Levels 0 and 1 can be seen as non-sufferer. It is then a 2-stage process to switch these off completely.
Note the distinction between levels 2 and 3 depending on experience. The first time I suffered with Psychosis, the voices were very loud. As I write, I’ve just gone from 2 → 1. I therefore still get the odd word like “Cool” and “Testing” but not enough “Thank-you” to “Atchoo” an entire conversation. It would seem that I have the upper hand and can cut the voices Dead as soon as I start to hear then. The number of times they have told me I’m Dead is off the scale.
The first thing I notice about a post-Psychosis world is that it is very calm. Without the Voices, without the Paranoia and without disturbing sounds from Other People, it is very quiet indeed compared to levels 2 and 3.
The point here is that Psychosis fuels Paranoia which in turn overloads the brain with Seemingly Relevant sounds. Whereas post-Psychosis, they are not relevant and so the brain tends to filter the sounds out (Turning Them Into Molehills) rather than making them louder (Turning Them Into Mountains) “Super”. I notice that a number of patients have left all in one go.
It’s almost as if the “military” brigade has moved on. Interestingly, this does leave Brian who was sold as part of the same team and Amya.
At this stage you can make a more informed choice about Paranoia and Organised Stalking. Was any of it real, or was it just inside your head? The Universe seems to work either way. “Oh” It’s up to you to Decide. “Bummer”. Sounds of sawing wood Voices heard on the radio, Low level humming sound from the air conditioning etc.
In my case, I have categoric proof that Someone was following me in the form of the 202 label on my train ticket. However, I have decided (twice now) that the Voices in My Head are Fake and therefore not connected to any external reality. I notice some coincidences “Get Off” but that is all. Not enough to warrant a Synchronous conclusion.
So it remains a possibility that I will encounter someone in my external reality who is associated in some way with the 202 label. However, I remain dubious about the Voices. V2K technology seems unlikely and either way, the Voices were talking in Information Warfare not straightforward Information.
I am looking to encounter someone (outside mental hospital) “Based”, “Help” which in itself implies that the Voices belong inside mental hospital, in the realm of Fantasy.
My prediction, based on experience, is that I will continue to go through the Revolving Door in and out. Whether you call Outside Reality and Inside Fantasy or the other way around is your choice. Perhaps it doesn’t matter and this is the mechanism by which you experience Parallel Universes. “Shoot”. “Superman”.
Experience of Pain
I believe I am fairly normal in experiencing the odd pain at seemingly random points throughout the body. I have essentially 2 explanations for why they occur:
- Naturally Occurring
- Directed Pain Technology
In a Psychotic state, it is easy to believe the latter and that therefore the Pain is Man-Made. I notice a pin-prick in my left cheek area.
However, having made the decision that the Voices are False, it is consistent to assume that the Pain is Fake too. In this event, the Threat of Pain (aka Torture) becomes less believable. In time, the level of pain and hence the significance reduce to zero. Perhaps this is just one version of reality. I could equally well believe the opposite thing and run with that, but this is my choice. “Lord”.
So What Do I Expect Next?
I hope for a period of peace after I leave MH where I do not suffer from psychosis and do not experience OS either. After a while, I expect OS to resurface once the beliefs surrounding label 202 have returned as a priority. “Ridiculous”. I have faith that I will be better able to cope with this situation. No more throwing away wallet or keys. No more “Trading to Zero”. That said, I accept my Personality Type by a tendency to head in this direction.
What Did I Learn This Time Around?
The most significant conversation appears to be one with Barack Obama, where I was believing that he is Commander-in-Chief for Organised Stalking, courtesy of the American Military and its Partners.
I accepted his status with Respect and agreed to torch my 3rd book (actually tearing it up was what happened because Lesley the Nurse said there were no futures for being in such a way at the hospital).
Now I’m back in a reality where I will complete my 3rd book, but with more Wisdom than before.
In particular, Barack made the accusation that I was an extremely racist person “Ringtone” and that I wanted to become a People person “Ringtone”.
I was invited to write a Legal Proof of my result of using DNA testing as a way of healing the Roman Paternity Law Curse, which also manifests itself as a tornado of Personality Types. Then in discussion with Barack, I agreed to tear it up because I prefer to be a more Spiritual Person, having considered it from all angles, “Pain in Left Knee”. “Shit”. Sound of digging. Shut door.
I also agreed, “Ringtone”, “Atchoo x 4” that I would not differentiate between Personality Types as these are another form of racism. This one is going to be more difficult to live with. “Give Up”.
So it seems the Curse of Roman Paternity Law remains unsolved in Reality, even though we have a solution in theory (Fantasy). Either way, the consequences are not fully evaluated, “Boo”, so moving forward at the present time remains unwise. Perhaps a future generation will Bite-the-Bullet on this one “Atchoo x 3”.
I prefer to think of myself as a non-racist, “Awful” but have to come to terms with the reality that I DNA-tested my own daughter. At least, the test result says she’s my daughter “Atchoo”. It remains a possibility “Knock knock” that the CSA tried to support Harriet at a time of emotional abuse. That was according to a Doctor. I have no idea what the consensus of opinion is on that. It remains a very contentious subject area (sounds of a plane lifting off, then a helicopter).
Note that now I am back out of psychosis, I’m not expecting anyone to arrive and pick me up anytime soon. If Andy, Ezrim and Richard are associated with the AM then it’s news to me. (Pain in left ear). I did do some sporty trades with Andy, but have recovered my position today (mostly) by buying new at a cost of £75. The jacket alone from Sue was worth £200. But I did get 9 months out of it, it’s starting to become damaged around the right hand pocket and either way, releasing connections to Sue seems like the right idea.
It does remind me of the way people were behaving around us at the campsite. This is something I will have to add to the 202 label as unexplained. “Ridiculous, Mark.” “Cool”. Sound of digging. It seems my voices aren’t fully switched off because I can still discern a fair amount. Perhaps this is to do with the Uncertainty Principle. “Ringtone”. Caught. “Pain”. “Ringtone”. “Love”.
I have to conclude that I remain caught in a general sense of the word. I may have Free Will at the point where I choose which Parallel Universe to go in next. But while I am in that parallel universe, I remain caught by the Decisions made by everyone else. So then it’s a cycle at which this happens at the microscopic level, but I believe that A&E and MH together form a microscopic level of the same thing. I discovered “Ringtone” several Black Holes in the area around A&E and inside The Cedars. I haven’t felt (or remembered) the need to do this in Kewstoke (pain in right side).
If I remain cooperative with the Organised Stalking world then maybe I will find the meaning of Love, at a collective level. “Ringtone”.
So should I go ahead and get in contact with her again? I hear cross angry voices, albeit very faint with that one. “Unbelievable”. Personally I don’t see the harm given we have both matured a lot since the Abuse Incident 18 months ago. She did phone me twice after the lull in proceedings when she asked me to leave her alone. I feel inclined to return her call. “Mark”. “Shutting door”.
It remains a challenge for me to visit A&E without being referred to MH. Perhaps this should be regarded as stupid “Closing Door. Ringtone”. Somehow I wish to bring this issue to a close, but there are many angles, it seems. “Mark” I ? found an interesting place half-way between MH and TC where I saw the clouds part from around the Sun. “Aircraft arose”.
“Losing battle”. I decided to get my mother to send my Debit Card in the post. It seems this decision was very unpopular with my voices. “Jesus”. I then decided to go shopping for items lost in the Crazy Barter Trade that occurs at the heart of MH, Kewstoke in particular. I feel inclined to keep going. “Shit”. I don’t see what other alternative I have given that I want to live my life. I don’t want Death, I don’t want Suicide Attempt and I don’t want Infinite Kewstoke. So that leaves me with little option it would seem.
It’s a sunny day and that “God” makes me want to get out, in the enclosed garden at least.
“Knocking on wall”.
The Powers That Be (believable in both Fantasy and Reality) can clearly do what they want to restrict distribution if they really want to. Or monitor who buys what. “Door shutting”. It’s a strange world we live in, but I think I’m getting used to it. “Cool”. I am assuming that my room remains my room and all the contents are untouched “Jesus Christ”. This is consistent with the Reality as reported by my mother. “Git”. “Atchoo x 3”. This is the single biggest reason for Breaking Faith with my voices. In measurable cases such as this, they just don’t add up. “Evil Mark”. “You’re going to Hell”. “God”. Cool”.
I noticed a pair of pigeons in the enclosed garden and walked towards the mid point. Of course they flew off. I have to acknowledge their seeming behaviour towards me “hoot” before and during my visit to Kewstoke. Even today I could look through the transparent taxi roof and see a bird flying directly overhead. I am guessing it was either a seagull or a pigeon. (Pain in left lateral).
I am feeling altogether better. My voices are trying to tell me I’m nervous but it isn’t working. “Cool”.
“You’re a baby, Mark”. “Ringtone”.
I’m assuming the relationship with Tom will continue. “Ringtone”. I have a vision of travelling a path and a ‘/x graph in 3D. I can get to Infinity in each direction or I can try to find the centre-point, if there is one. Perhaps all points are equivalent.
The decision to go with my Debit Card was made as much in consideration of the Nail Clipper situation as anything else. In the end, my mother offered to bring up mine, along with my hair clippers. Either way, the decision is made. And would you know it? I plucked up the courage to phone Sue. Also left a message with my mother regarding Father’s Day tomorrow. So maybe I can build some bridges all round.
Today is a new day and I feel much more settled after a Monster 12 hour sleep. I know that’s not behaviour expected of a professional or a soldier, but in my crazy mixed-up world it makes sense. That’s because it helps me deal with mixed messages.
For every subject that came up in my thoughts, the voices in my head would pick on me and wage a War of Information. First they would tell me it was one extreme, then they would go to the other extreme, then they would leave me guessing in a state of Total Paranoia.
As an example they told me they’d done a DNA Test and my Dad was my Dad. Then they told me my Dad wasn’t my Dad. And then I’d be left to choose what I thought. Rather than being paranoid, in this case I elected to take the neutral option where I would accept it either way. This is an effective way to deal with Paranoia i.e. become a Spiritual Person.
I note that on this occasion the volume level of my voices as around 1. A couple of days ago they were at level 2, so it’s a very recent shutdown process. I expect it may take up to a week for the volume to reduce to 0. “Cool”.
The overwhelming mood at the moment is one of depression. The simple act of taking my voices away from me has sent me into a bit of a spiral, and bit what happened when I was neurotic. Perhaps there’s a connection with the 2 depot injections after all?
I yearn to be released and don’t understand why it should take so long. And as I write I note that the voices have reduced in volume still further so that the only effect seems to be random thoughts entering my head, seemingly familiar with what the voices would have said.
Right now, I have requested to have the voices back, but it seems that process is denied. Perhaps the fact that I chose not to believe in them is what has finished it off. Or perhaps it is related to a great swing in mood event. Now that I’m not in mania any more, the voices disappear accordingly.
Sexual function enough said.
What My Voices Say to Me
There’s a whole barrage of 1-word humiliating/demeaning words such as:
- Fuck Off
Likewise they do come out with some positive words too such as:
On the whole I’d rate the balance of negative to positive is 2:1 “Sorry”, “Crap”.
My mood has dropped very low, spending most of the day in bed. I want to believe in what I’m doing “Evil” but without the voices it’s difficult. Dinnertime is on its way. Not hungry but will go for dessert. Can hear pigeons cooing to each other.
Feeling down and out. At least Father’s Day was full of pleasant sentiments.
What I can’t reconcile is the 202 label and why I am feeling “torn”. Why not more explicit information? Why does everything have to be desirable?
As far as I know, this phenomenon was first described by Michael F.Bell in his book “Chips, Implants and Microwaves”. He took the attitude that all of his experiences were real, so there was no room for Psychosis. However, the net effect was that he became extremely Paranoid about further encounters, to the point where he would take a video camera around with him to deter the Perpetrators. The language he used, Perpetrators versus Victims suggested a greater level of involvement than I’ve seen. In short, the list of things he experienced included
- Perpetrators versus Victims
- Directed Microwaves
- Implants (revealed by MRI scan at 200 locations in his body)
- Several scars (resulting from the implant installations).
The evidence he produced re MRI scans seems compelling. And the story he told of Perpetrators committing directly visible crimes including Assault etc. make that sound real too.
In my world, only the Organised Stalking seemed real. I’ve had several doses of Paranoia associated with this, which only manifests itself when I believe the phenomena is real.
- Threats of violence (Telepathy)
- Verbal abuse (Real and Telepathic)
- 1-Liners (Real and Telepathic)
- Normal conversation (Telepathic only)
The full range of communication only happens via the voices inside my head. Depending on your beliefs they may be interpreted in a range of ways:
- Implant-generated V2K technology
- Naturally occurring Telepathy
- Naturally occurring Spirits
The final interpretations effectively rends the Psychosis sufferer as a Medium, with internal voices interpreted as Spirits who have invaded the sufferer’s head. Beyond that, you essentially have a choice between Technology and Telepathy.
Michael F.Bell did not say that he suffered from voices, although he acknowledged the existence of V2K Technology. So his experience was altogether different than mine, although his description of Organised Stalking did tally:
Perpetrators collaborate (presumably using a technology system) to hound the Victim wherever he or she went. This is the bit that seemed real to me so I believed it during a dose of Paranoia. However, now that the Paranoia is over, my voices have stopped and it does not seem like Organised Stalking is occurring any more. This is the key point for me. I don’t think it was a coincidence. If it was then it’s a heinous part of an overall Crime, but right now I’m not inclined to believe that.
So for perhaps the first time since Psychosis started for me I believe that Organised Stalking is false. It feels like a great weight has been lifted because the Paranoia is gone. This means I’m not obliged to interpret every message as if it’s intended for me. “Awesome”. The trouble with Psychosis is that you never know what is real and what is not. If I believe in Organised Stalking, I end up in Total Paranoia. If I ignore it, then I’m left with a few strange coincidences:
- FTP not working during my spat with the voices
- Network Rail NMT appearing within 10 seconds
- Rail Crossing Symbols on Alphington Street
- Birds seemingly following me around
Up until this point, I would not have considered myself a member of the Spiritualist Church. My primary objection was that I did not believe in Spirits. However, having had (say) four run-ins with psychosis where I was treating my voices as real (either naturally-occurring or telepathy) I can see the flaws in that approach. The main one being that by engaging with them directly as if they were real, gave them far too much power and they tried to ruin my life each time.
It occurs to me that if I treat the voices as Spirits, then they are somehow stuck in my brain and not communicating with the outside world. At least, if any external communication does occur, it’s with the Spirit world. With this understanding I would naturally treat anything the Spirits have to say with a degree of suspicion.
As a case in point, I was berated for “not wearing my codpiece”. Yet when I looked up that word, I found that it originated from the 1500-1600s and so was not a modern word. More to the point, I’d never heard of it before, so unless the Spirits were Data Mining in a part of my Brain not accessible to me, then they must have brought the word with them.
When I was at War with my parents and ex-wife, as documented in my first book “The Road to Bipolar Mania”, I mentioned that I questioned my father as to whether he was my real Dad. And I sent an e-mail to my brother saying “half-bro” knowing he would pass it on to my mother. I never received a reply from my father, but surprisingly I did receive a direct response from my mother and she said that my Dad is my Dad. I was inclined to believe her and so have not taken the subject of a DNA test any further in that scenario.
However, another scenario erupted in the case of my own daughter, where lawyers, solicitors, doctors, the CSA and a DNA test were all involved. Having heard the term “Emotionally Abusive” and a vast range of panic responses from everyone else, I’m surprised my ex ex-wife had the motivation to go through with it.
Either way, I had reached a point where I realised that for a father to ask that question of his own children, whatever the circumstances, it is definitely not OK. In fact you get labelled as the ultimate racist, even though all you’re doing is asking for the same level of information as women get naturally when they become mothers.
In my new frame of mind, I prefer to be a more rounded Spiritual person. I avoid asking the Question from Hell because it only leads to hurt. Even then it only gives you one more level of Truth to deal with, because how much do you Trust DNA Test Results?
I was asked by my voices to write a Legal Proof around the whole subject of the Cause of Roman Paternity Law. In fact they asked while I was in A&E and it was only after I was referred to Kewstoke that I had an opportunity to oblige. Having done so, I was then berated by Barack Obama for being the Racist Bastard From Hell. He also complimented me on being a Genius, which shows how voices can simply flip from one extreme to the other.
In this case I was inclined to take his advice. So I backed down and put the Legal Proof in the bin, along with another 20 pages of writing destined for this book. It shows how much power voices wield when you believe in them. Particularly if the voice in question belongs to Barack Obama. However, given my previous interpretation, I’m forced to assume this was Barack Obama’s Spirit Voice, or another voice a bit like a stunt double. This is consistent with my experience when I met Anastasia for real in the dining room with her Spirit Voice still going on in my head. At that time I chose to regard the voices as Fake, but this time I choose to interpret as Spirits. This means they still have a role to play, but at a lesser role, not as Commander-in-Chief. This reduced emphasis has (I expect) caused the reduction in volume to one above zero. This means I get the odd word or thought, but that’s it.